So Shaquille O’Neill just announced the return of one of the most hated merchandises of all time: Shaq-Fu. I know, I know, you must be asking: “What the hell is Shaq-Fu? And why the hell should I care, you damn nerd?” Well let me tell you good sir. In 1994 a video game was released, so bad, so heinous, so abominable that millions upon millions of parent-child relationships were forever destroyed. The 20th century had many of humanity’s lowest lows, and I’m no historian, but this along with there never being a sequel to “Big Trouble in Little China” without a doubt takes the cake. The games name is Shaq-Fu and it’s tale is a dark one…
Imagine the innocence of the 1990ies. The world back then was a happy place, a better place. There were three Star Trek shows on TV at the same time, Ol’ Dirty Bastard was still alive and everybody was happy, even Bosnia.
But on October 28th 1994 everything changed and nothing would ever be the same, for Shaquille “Shaq-Attack” O’Neill, a ball wizard from the west, unleashed his foulest of magics. Yes, even fouler than his 1996 hit-movie Kazaam. That following December, children all over the galaxy expectantly looked forward to their sure-to-be-awesome Christmas presents, only to have their innocent souls crushed when they got Shaq-Fu, a subterranean Street Fighter clone, from their well meaning but oblivious parents. Lucky were those few who received Mortal Kombat. Lucky were even those who received Street Fighter II for Genesis, which was clearly inferior to the SNES version. But woe unto those poor souls who got their childhood stolen by Shaq-Fu. That moment was the exact point in time when our timeline split and we become the dark timeline. The 90ies continued forever in the original universe, with The X-Files is still on television, while we got Bieber, War on Terror and Monsanto.
It is quite clear that Shaq-Fu is the worst fighting game ever released, nay, the worst thing generally ever released. Critics agree, even their mums agree. So it comes without a surprise that there is still today, a brave website operating from deep within the interwebs, whose sole mission it is to find and destroy every single copy of Shaq-Fu in existence. What’s even better, they’ll buy your copy of Shaq-Fu, in the unlikely case you’re stockholm-syndroming it, so it can be eradicated forever from the face of the earth.
And thus it was for a long time. But now, things are in motion again. Dark shadows move across the land. Inspired by Sauron, Shaquille O’Neill has proclaimed his return to the (video game) world. In this interview, he announces the sequel of what should have been best forgotten.
What will happen next? Who will have the courage to stand up and fight this cruel behemoth? Only time will tell…
Still, hope remains and maybe, just maybe this music will inspire you to stand up and be the one.
